I'm going to tell you about a wonderful conversation, a long sit, a long walk spoiled and my son, the film student.
How Are We Optimizing Our Hormones?
On Friday I had one of my most memorable discussions as a coach. It was in the Friday group session which is part of my HeRO Program. The topic this week was How to Find Your People and the general theme was about how modern life can make us more atomized and separate from one another. Before looking at ways we can build deeper connections.
So far, so good.
The usual format of the Friday sessions is that I give a bit of a talk, then we have a discussion. This week the discussion took us all to places we were not expecting and led to a fascinating insight.
That is that so much of modern work, life, infrastructure, tools and culture are optimized for a dopaminergic response, at the expense of something crucial.
Crudely put, dopamine is the chemical that helps us to get motivated and stay driven. It's very active in a spreadsheet-oriented, task-driven, quantitative world of comparison and competition.
Our realisation was that we optimize for this at the expense of oxytocin. And none of us had noticed.
Crudely put, oxytocin is the chemical that helps us to build deeper connections with others. What we realised in discussion was that we all spend all-day talking to people and connecting, but almost always in a way that's transactional. In doing so, we deplete the parts of ourselves that might be available for deeper connection.
We also discussed how modern work culture (remote, impersonal, risk averse, triggered) makes it extremely difficult to have deeper connections with our colleagues. We think twice and then avoid physical contact, jokes or vulnerability. All of which might make us feel more connected and secure.
And so, what can we do about this? Well, we decided that the revolution has to start with us. We have all committed to pick up the phone and ring old friends this week. Without any agenda at all. Because, you see, it was only when we talked about it that we realised we are all starving for this attention, which means our friends (and colleagues) probably are too.
Within 30 minutes of the call ending, I got this message from M, who took action straight away. It really made me smile.
So why did I title this blog, "Can I get a hug please?" Well, hugs are one of the best ways to get a little boost of oxytocin.
But, chances are, if you read this, you are likely to see me in a work context, if you ever see me at all. And so, I want you to know that the normal work rules don't apply. There's no HR department at Stephen Lock Coaching.
Which means, if you want to, when you see me, ask for a hug. I'll save one for you. We can make some oxytocin together. In the meantime, ring one friend and hug another. You'll be very glad you did and so will they.
One last thing, this isn't the topic I intended to write about today. But our conversation felt so meaningful I had to share it. If you'd like to see the slides and an AI summary of the conversation, hit reply. There's a lot more detail in there that I would be very happy to share 🙏
A Quote I Love
"Deadlines exist. As do timeless states of contemplation." Unknown
I have this on a postcard next to my desk. It reminds me that the solutions to my problems are often found by sitting in silence rather than ticking things off my to-do list. There's always benefit to be had from a long sit.
My Cultural Life
Does golf count as culture? It's a sport I played a lot as a teenager and I got to be pretty good. There wasn't a lot to do in Bedale in the 80s. But then I turned 17 and the yearly fees jumped from £25 to £250 and I simply couldn't afford it.
In 1992, when I was living in Worcester for my placement year, I bought a set of second hand clubs for £50. I think they were already 15 years old. But they have been what I have used ever since. I say used, I've maybe played 15 times in 30 years.
But last year I played 4 times and really started to enjoy it again. And so, I have finally bought myself some new clubs. They are even being made to fit me perfectly, so for the first time in my life, I'll be able to play the game properly. Can't wait for them to arrive in a couple of weeks.
What I'm Working On
Busy week coming up this week, with two full in-person days. For one of those I am going to be running a session on setting the really big life and career goals and how to get that right. Another is based around my workshop called Leading in Complexity.
I'm also putting the finishing touches to my leadership course that will launch in a few days. Something really nice about this is that the editing has been done by my son, Felix, who has just completed a degree in Independent Filmmaking. If you need any help with creating and editing high-quality video content, he could be just what you need.
Interested in executive, leadership, team or personal coaching?
|
