I noticed a few years ago that there was something consistent about the way people who know me describe me. They almost always use the word calm. Personally I'd prefer they said, disarmingly handsome, but I guess it isn't bad.

These days I hear it from clients often too. Which is kind of helpful. The last thing people want is a coach who gets stressed because they are stressed, right?

And so, emotional regulation is something I have developed an aptitude for. Now I help my clients to develop their capacity for managing emotions too. Here are three ways you can do that:

1. Say, “What I am hearing is…”
2. The Huberman breath
3. Naming emotions

The first one is a technique which is useful when another person is expressing stress or anger. What you do is, listen as carefully as you can to what they say and, when there is a pause, you say "what I am hearing is..." and then you summarise what you think they are saying.

You should try and do this as honestly as you can, trying to re-express the other person's meaning. Even if, or especially if, you think they are completely wrong or unfair.

For example, you could listen to a 3 minute rant from a colleague about how much of an idiot they think someone else is, before you say something like:

What I think you are saying is that you are really angry because Mary didn't get you the draft report on time. That meant that you had to work through lunch. And you were looking forward to that. Is that right?

That question at the end is important. Ask if you understood. Then, sit back and see what comes next. You might have to have a couple of goes at understanding.

This is useful if someone has got so stressed or angry that they are no longer being rational. By showing you understand, you make them feel seen, which makes them feel a bit safer, which helps to calm the brain, which allows them to think more clearly.

And then, by describing the facts, rather than the emotions of the situation, you help them to see where it might have gone wrong. Maybe the real issue is that Mary didn't know the deadline was important to you...?

I won't pretend this is an easy thing to do, particularly if the emotion is being directed at something the other person accuses you of, instead of Mary. But it is a brilliant way of lowering the temperature in a conversation.

Because it isn't easy, why not practice it when it isn't stressful. Next time a colleague tells you something, try saying it back to them to check you understood. This builds the emotional muscle you can use when things get difficult with someone else.

That's quite a lot to take in, so I am going to leave the other two tips for tomorrow.

See you then, Stephen

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